To the love of my life, our next First Lady, Michelle Obama with the scarily plucked eyebrows, and epileptic clap...

Four years ago, I stood before you and told you my story - of the brief union between a young man from Kenya and a young woman from Kansas who weren't well-off or well-known, but shared a belief that in America, their son could achieve whatever he put his mind to especially if his grandparents raised him, and collected food stamps, so she could pursue her dream of... an anthropology degree.

It is that promise that has always set this country apart - that through hard work and sacrifice, each of us can pursue our individual dreams but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams as well. Of course, I will make you sacrifice, if you're not ready to... That's my promise.

That's why I stand here tonight. Because for two hundred and thirty two years, at each moment when that promise was in jeopardy, ordinary men and women - students and soldiers, farmers and teachers, nurses and janitors -- found the courage to keep it alive. And most of them are more ready than I to be President...

Tonight, more Americans are out of work than when there were fewer out of work and more are working harder for less thanks to government regulations that strangle the companies they work for and tax them so they want to flee the country.  More of you have lost your homes and even more are watching your home values plummet because we Democrats forced banks to make loans to people who couldn't afford them. More of you have cars you can't afford to drive, credit card bills you can't afford to pay, and tuition that's beyond your reach, and I guess you should have bought cheaper cars, not put things you didn't need on plastic, and sent your kids to community college if they didn't work hard or weren't smart enough to get scholarships.  But Daddy Obama will fix that.

These challenges are not all of government's making. But the failure to respond is a direct result of a broken politics in Washington and the failed policies of George W. Bush. So let's bring the broken politics of Chicago to Washington.

America, we are better than these last eight years.  Or at least the last two, with Democrat control of the House and Senate. We are a better country than this.  Although, since Michelle is just now proud of the United States, we must be better than we were before.  It's confusing, being angry at the country that gave you so much success.

This country is more decent than one where a woman in Ohio, on the brink of retirement, finds herself one illness away from disaster after a lifetime of hard work.  So, as President, I will ban illness, and disaster.  And brinks.  They're awfully scary.

This country is more generous than one where a man in Indiana has to pack up the equipment he's worked on for twenty years and watch it shipped off to China, and then chokes up as he explains how he felt like a failure when he went home to tell his family the news.  I don't know how he kept it a secret, but there you have it.

We are more compassionate than a government that lets veterans sleep on our streets and families slide into poverty; that sits on its hands while a major American city drowns before our eyes.  So, in addition to banning disaster, I will ban incompetent people like Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco from holding elected office.

Tonight, I say to the American people, to Democrats and Republicans and Independents across this great land - enough! No, that doesn't mean this speech is over, calm down... This moment - this election - is our chance to keep, in the 21st century, the American promise alive. Because next week, in Minnesota, the same party that brought you two terms of George Bush and Dick Cheney will ask this country for a third. And we are here because we love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight. We want them to look like the last two, with Reid and Pelosi.  On November 4th, we must stand up and say: "Eight is enough."

Now let there be no doubt. The Republican nominee, John McCain, has worn the uniform of our country with bravery and distinction, and for that we owe him our gratitude and respect. But, really, he just needs to shut up about it, all that torture talk harshes my buzz.  And next week, we'll also hear about those occasions when he's broken with his party as evidence that he can deliver the change that we need.  As opposed to myself, who has never broken with my party.

But the record's clear: John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time. Like when he commended the Colts on winning the Superbowl, or made September National Spelling Bee month, or voted for funding the war, like I did.  Senator McCain likes to talk about judgment, but really, what does it say about your judgment when you think George Bush has been right more than ninety percent of the time? I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on change.  No, I'd take a flyer on a guy who never fought for his country, never held a job long enough to actually do anything, consorts with terrorists, is deaf on Sunday Mornings, and hasn't run so much as a Der Weinerschnitzel.

The truth is, on issue after issue that would make a difference in your lives - on health care and education and the economy - Senator McCain has been anything but independent. He said that our economy has made "great progress" under this President. He said that the fundamentals of the economy are strong. And how wrong can you be?  Capitalism is so yesterday.  Look at the Chinese!  That's the way to go.  And when one of his chief advisors - the man who wrote his economic plan - was talking about the anxiety Americans are feeling, he said that we were just suffering from a "mental recession," and that we've become, and I quote, "a nation of whiners."  And it's not whining to complain about 5% unemployment.

A nation of whiners? Tell that to the proud auto workers at a Michigan plant who, after they found out it was closing, kept showing up every day and working as hard as ever, because they knew there were people who counted on the brakes that they made. Or to collect their paychecks.  That's selfless dedication!  Once they said they were closing, I wouldn't have showed up.  Mail me the check!  Tell that to the military families who shoulder their burdens silently as they watch their loved ones leave for their third or fourth or fifth tour of duty.  Or as they've watched us Democrats belittle them as morons, dropouts, and war criminals.  These are not whiners. They work hard and give back and keep going without complaint. These are the Americans that I know.  I know them well.  I look down on them all the time.

Now, I don't believe that Senator McCain doesn't care what's going on in the lives of Americans. I just think he doesn't know. Must have been those Ivy League schools he attended.  Oh, that's me.  Why else would he define middle-class as someone making under five million dollars a year? Why, that makes me middle class.  See how much we have in common?  How else could he propose hundreds of billions in tax breaks for big corporations and oil companies but not one penny of tax relief to more than one hundred million Americans? My plan's better- I'm going to tax you, then give you some of your money back!  Win-win, right?  How else could he offer a health care plan that would actually tax people's benefits, or an education plan that would do nothing to help families pay for college, or a plan that would privatize Social Security and gamble your retirement?  Because Social Security as it is is the safest bet for your retirement dollars.

It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it.  I get it, though.  I'm the guy who showed up late for a job interview, got the job and nailed the interviewer!  I'm the guy who's fallen into every job he ever had, right up to running against the most hated woman in America for your nomination. 

For over two decades, he's subscribed to that old, discredited Republican philosophy - give more and more to those with the most and hope that prosperity trickles down to everyone else. Like me and Michelle, who attended the best Schools in the country, and got the best jobs, under Republican Presidents.  In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society, but what it really means is - you're on your own. Get it?  Own-er-ship, as my Washington logrolling running mate Joe Biden might say.  Out of work? Tough luck. No, the Republicans have banned unemployment benefits.  No health care because tax incentives for health care have driven the cost of health care to astronomic levels? The market will fix it. Born into poverty because Republicans make it hard to get abortions? Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps - even if you don't have boots.  You're on your own. 

Well it's time for them to own their failure. It's time for us to change America.  The last 28 years have been a time of unparalleled economic and social achievement, but for most of them, we weren't in charge.  Let's change that!

You see, we Democrats have a very different measure of what constitutes progress in this country.  It's whether Bill can marry Bob, and Elaine can destroy the baby growing inside her.

We measure progress by how many people can find a job that pays the mortgage on a house you should never have bought; whether you can put a little extra money away at the end of each month so you can someday watch your child receive her college diploma, or better yet, give me the money, and I'll take care of it for you.  See Social Security, above. We measure progress in the 23 million new jobs that were created when Bill Clinton was President - when the average American family saw its income go up $7,500 instead of down $2,000 like it has under George Bush.  Most of those losses coming in the last two years- just coincidence for you Congress watchers.

We measure the strength of our economy not by the number of billionaires we have or the profits of the Fortune 500, but by whether someone with a good idea can take a risk that we won't tax him into the poorhouse and start a new business which we can regulate with the glee of the Boston Strangler, or whether the waitress who lives on tips can take a day off to look after a sick kid without losing her job - an economy that honors the dignity of work, even though that's really the dignity of not working.

The fundamentals we use to measure economic strength are whether we are living up to that fundamental promise that has made this country great - a promise that is the only reason I am standing here tonight.  The promise of white guilt, black racism, and a country infatuated with celebrity.

Because in the faces of those young veterans who come back from Iraq and Afghanistan, I see my grandfather, who signed up after Pearl Harbor, marched in Patton's Army to remove a dictator from power, which I would have had to oppose, as long as my opposition didn't really mean anything, and was rewarded by a grateful nation with the chance to go to college on the GI Bill.  I see my grandfather's face because I can't actually see the soldiers' faces- I can't look them in the eye after calling them failures and attributing their success to others.  What were they doing over there, anyway?  9/11 is so off-message.

In the face of that young student who sleeps just three hours before working the night shift, I think about my mom, who raised my sister and me on her own, actually shipping us off to our grandparents while she slept with any guy with a permanent tan and questionable religious practices, while she worked and earned her degree; who once turned to food stamps (I know, food stamps is not technically raising us on her own) but was still able to send us to the best schools in the country with the help of student loans and scholarships  See Reagan and Bush years, above.

When I listen to another worker tell me that his factory has shut down but without any actual whining, I remember all those men and women on the South Side of Chicago who I stood by and fought for two decades ago after the local steel plant closed because local, state, and Federal taxes and regulatory burdens made imports a lot cheaper.

And when I hear a woman talk about the difficulties of starting her own business, I think about my grandmother, who worked her way up from the secretarial pool to middle-management, despite years of being passed over for promotions because she was a woman. Of course, my grandmother working her way up the corporate ladder has nothing to do with starting your own business, but it made me think of her nonetheless.  She's the one who taught me about hard work. She's the one who put off buying a new car or a new dress for herself so that I could have a better life. That's what all those people with credit card debt should have been doing!  Oh, well, I guess it's up to me to fix all that now.  She poured everything she had into me. Just like a typical white person.  And although she can no longer travel, I know that she's watching tonight, and that tonight is her night as well.  Sorry for the tire marks from that bus I threw you under, Grammy.

I don't know what kind of lives John McCain thinks that celebrities lead, but this has been mine. Notice that I only talked about my childhood.  'Cause I'm a rock star, not a child star!  These are my heroes. Theirs are the stories that shaped me. And it is on their behalf that I intend to win this election and keep our promise alive as President of the United States.  Unlike those babies who were born of botched abortions.  They can die.

What is that promise? 

It's a promise that says each of us has the freedom to make of our own lives what we will, but that we also have the obligation to treat each other with dignity and respect, unless I'm talking down to people who think they have a constitutional right to bear arms, or, can you believe it, actually put their faith in God.  Instead of government!  Can you believe there are such people?

It's a promise that says the market should reward drive and innovation and generate growth, but don't make too much money, or I'll have to get some of that windfall, because from my experience (see Der Weinerschitzel) I know what's a fair profit margin, but that businesses should live up to their responsibilities to create American jobs, look out for American workers, and play by the rules of the road which we constantly change.

Ours is a promise that says government cannot solve all our problems, but what it should do is that which we cannot do for ourselves - protect us from harm like John McCain did, and provide every child a decent education, by making sure the NEA gets its way and every teacher has tenure; keep our water clean like Richard Nixon did and our toys safe; invest in new schools and new roads and new science and technology.   

Our government should work for us, not against us. It should help us, not hurt us. It should ensure opportunity not just for those with the most money and influence, but for every American who's willing to work.  And maybe a few million who aren't.

That's the promise of America - the idea that we are responsible for ourselves, but that we also rise or fall as one nation; the fundamental belief that I am my brother's keeper; I am my sister's keeper.  From each according to his gifts, to each according to his needs.

That's the promise we need to keep. That's the change we need right now. So let me spell out exactly what that change would mean if I am President.  S-O-C-I-O-L-A-L-I-S-M.  That spells Obama.

Change means a tax code that doesn't reward the lobbyists who wrote it, but the American workers and small businesses who deserve it.  Deserve the tax code?   Come on guys, "it" refers to the subject "tax code,"  not the verb "reward!"  Guess that's what happens when you have 30 people working on your speeches.  Maybe 30 more would help.

Unlike John McCain, I will stop giving tax breaks to corporations that ship jobs overseas, and I will start giving them to companies that create good jobs right here in America.  Companies like my friend Tony Rezko's development corporations, or Michelle's corporation, that gave her a hefty raise after I slid a little pork their way.

I will eliminate capital gains taxes for the small businesses and the start-ups that will create the high-wage, high-tech jobs of tomorrow.  Even though I said I might raise capital gains taxes to as much as 35%, and will raise taxes on anybody making $200,000.00 or more.  Which means I will eliminate the taxes for businesses that don't make much money.  Or hire that many people.  Or have a sustainable business plan.  Now that's corporate welfare we can believe in!

I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95% of all working families. Because in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle-class.  No, we should raise taxes on companies that already have one foot out the door to India;  America- love it or leave it!

And for the sake of our economy, our security, and the future of our planet, I will set a clear goal as President: in ten years, we will finally end our dependence on oil from the Middle East.  Through the judicious application of fairy dust and make-believe, but not by actually drilling up our own oil.

Washington's been talking about our oil addiction for the last thirty years, and John McCain has been there for twenty-six of them, and my friend Joe Biden for 36.  In that time, he's said no to higher fuel-efficiency standards for cars, claiming that tiny cars with little steel lead to increased highway deaths, as if! no to investments in renewable energy, no to renewable fuels except for nuclear power, but Jane Fonda made a movie showing how bad that is, so we can't have nukes. And today, we import triple the amount of oil as the day that Senator McCain took office.  Because our economy is quadruple the size it was then.  But Republicans had nothing to do with that.  Just the oil part.

Now is the time to end this addiction, and to understand that drilling is a stop-gap measure, not a long-term solution. Not even close.  So, because it's not a perfect solution, we will disregard it completely.

As President, I will tap our natural gas reserves, invest in clean coal technology, and find ways to safely harness nuclear power. "Safely" means without making environmentalists or Jane Fonda mad-  good luck with that!  I'll help our auto companies re-tool, so that the fuel-efficient cars of the future are built right here in America. I'll do it myself- roll up the sleeves on my skinny little arms, and show those guys who've been running businesses for longer than I've been alive how a community organizer builds cars!  I'll make it easier for the American people to afford these new cars. How?  By taxing them, and giving them their money back, provided they spend it the way I want them to!  And I'll invest 150 billion dollars (when I say "I" and "150 billion dollars," I really mean "you" and "500 billion dollars.") over the next decade in affordable, renewable sources of energy - wind power and solar power and the next generation of biofuels; an investment that will lead to new industries and five million new jobs that pay well and can't ever be outsourced because you can't outsource plants that manufacture things like solar panels, wind machines, and refineries for biofuels.  Why not?  Because I say it is so, and so it is written.

America, now is not the time for small plans.  Because we've tried to screw up this country with little plans for years, and it hasn't really worked out.

Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education by giving more power to the NEA, because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy. Michelle and I are only here tonight because we were given a chance at an education. And I will not settle for an America where some kids don't have that chance. I'll invest (when I say "I" and "invest," I mean "I" and "will steal your money") in early childhood education. I'll recruit an army of new teachers with my winning smile, and pay them higher salaries because if you give them enough money, a bad teacher will become a good one and give them more support. And in exchange, I'll ask for higher standards and more accountability. (Because even while giving them more money, it would be rude to demand higher standards.  Mail them the check!).  And we will keep our promise to every young American - if you commit to serving your community (in a leftist organization vetted by me for political correctness and connections to the Democrats- just like Chicago!) or your country, we will make sure you can afford a college education.


I just can't take any more of this drivel.  You get the idea.